doubt

Doubt is a serious thing.  You will never win if you dwell here.
It is hard to escape once it has set in, but never too heavy to bare.
Escape from beneath its crushing growing strength is the trickiest part.
It feeds off of your faith and makes you weak, with determination it creeps.
Missing is not just this, because it strengthens what is loved.
Doubt destroys your chances and pushes away your love.

Change.

Standing Still

I have stood out in the middle of this feild so green,
With the wind across my shoulders with its unforgiving sting.
I have closed my eyes just for a moment and missed so many things
I have waited for the shivers to set in my cooling skin.
And it is just then that my fire burns deeper, my eyes open wide
There is no thing greater than what has found me.
As I wait for tomorrow, I stand with feet so firmly planted
As I seek out all that I am, I understand this life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqYBGcv41M8

Dear Summer,

I am honestly sad to see you go.  You have been, by far the best summer I have lived to see.  I could never replace you and I will always remember you.  You painted the scene of every moment I replay in my head.  A life changing summer you were, I will forever remember.

August 19, 2010

Yesterday, Charlie got his wisdom teeth taken out.  Today I went to see him, and be with him because everyone knows it isn't fun to recover from having your teeth cut out of your mouth.  I left the house around 10:00 a.m. and went to the gas station.  Today was going to be a good day, I could feel it.  I went inside and bought a drink, and two York Pepper Mint Patties.  One for the way there and one for the way back.  I put gas in my car, and was on the road.  As I drove down the interstate, getting the radio set, deciding which cars I would be passing and which lane felt better today, I started thinking about everything I have to do, everything I have done, all of my wants and desires, goals and times I've failed.  I started thinking about my blessings and how much God has done for me.  I felt overwhelmed and wanted to tell Him and thank Him.  So immediatley, I turned off the radio, focused on the road (eyes open) and began to pray.  After praying and driving for a while longer my journey was coming to an end I was within 10 miles of Charlie, still on a highway, but close.  I started to think about how we have to choose... Black or White, and not stand in the Gray.  I thought about areas in my life where I could improve and make better choices.  Then I looked at my speedometer.  I have a bad habit of speeding, well, that is what some may call it.  I call it "going the speed I feel is appropriate for whatever road I am on."  I thought to myself "No, I do a lot of good things and I know I am not perfect, this is okay, it isn't a big deal."  A few more minutes of driving down the road, and there he was...  driving the opposite direction.  His completely black "under-cover" State Trooper car with all it's brutal abilities.  I thought for a moment "he wouldn't, he's not going to... no way, he's going the other direction.  He won't even see me."  Could I have been anymore ignorant?  I hit the breaks, hoping, and hoping on my own that he wasn't going to cross the highway.  Wrong again, Jenny.  He clocked me from across the way.  He caught up, driving behind me and I proceeded to pull off the highway.  You can imagine what happened after that, he you've ever gotten a ticket.  I am thankful that he cut me some slack on exactly what he clocked me at, otherwise I would have started crying right infront of him.  I drove the few miles left inbetween me and Charlie, arriving at his house safely. 

Why do I tell you this incredibly dry story about my day?  Because I am so excited that I learned something through trial!  I am so thankful I am given these opportunities to go through hard times so I can grow and see how I will handle the situations.  I tell you this because I am proud of myself, and the way I have handle the days situations! 

I also tell you this because I am amazed at the peace of mind I have right now, and the peace in my heart I have been blessed with. 

When I arrived at Charlie's house, I knocked on the door and Marybeth let me inside.  Marybeth and her Mother told me that Charlie was still asleep.  I decided it would be a good idea to let him sleep a little longer.  I sat down in the living room with both his mother and sister and enjoyed their company for about 30 minutes discussing Charlie's birthday, Chipmunk face (due to swelling from the surgery) and how cute he is when he becomes upset with gos in his mouth.  At that point, the phone rang, a movie wanted to be watched and I decided it was time to wake up Charlie. 

I was a scaredy cat and asked Marybeth to come with me.  We silently walked down the hall, carefully opened his door and slowly approached his bed.  At this point we both started throwing out ideas on how to wake him, but none would do.  I knew I was waking him up with a kiss on the cheek.  After our silent giggles and my fears holding me at bay, I finally had enough nerve to just do it, but an unfortunante event was occuring at the same time I was leaning over to give him a kiss.  He woke up three seconds too soon.  How silly, I will be saving that Good Morning kiss for another day I suppose.

I spent the entire day with Charlie and his family, watching movies, playing battleship, getting on facebook and talking.  I couldn't ask for someone better to spend my time with, and I know he would be there for me if I had my wisdom teeth removed. 

I tell you these things because I can not hold it in anymore.  I never want to forget these days I have here, with Charlie and others who mean so much to me.  This may not be the beginning, but as I go I will fill you in on why these days are so special and dear to my heart, but for now I say goodnight and I hope you understand that this is my present state, this is my breath of air. 

Present Moment

      "I finally found you, my missing puzzle piece."

At this early hour

There is a goal we all have, it is one we never give up on even if we do fail multiple times.  Will you ever reach it?  Will you ever become that person you want to find?

My Mother has always taught me growing up that I need to be the person I want to find, keep all of the standards I want them to keep and have all of the characteristics I wish for them to have.  There have been times in my life when I doubted there was even anyone out there for me and like we all must do at some point in our lives, I went through trials that, in the end, helped my foundation become stronger and my standards even higher.  When the new year began (2010) I started changing.  I was tired of failing, I was tired of wasting my precious time on people who I knew were not meant to be with me for more than a moment.  I was brutally disappointed in my choices and eventually got to the point that I was done trying and I was ready to wait, and to wait patiently for the right time and the right place.  I was beginning to wait for the One Guy that would change my life and existance forever.  I realized quickly after my new beginning, I was ready for God to allow me the opportunity to be worthy of having such a gift in my life.  So I began working, and truly becoming more like the person I wanted to find. 

This is really where the story begins.  Once I put my feet back down on the path I had once lost site of, I knew where I wanted to be, so I started walking with my head held high, looking straight ahead, never questioning my abilities to reach my destination.

Won't be Seventeen Forever

Days prior to my birthday people would ask me "Jenny, how old are you going to be?" and I would reply "seventeen."  The following comments to my reply were quite surprising as I did not feel or think the same would be on my path as I walked.  Every time this conversation took place I would get the same comments.  "Oh, that was the best year of my life."  or "Oh, you'll have such a good time, you'll make so many memories."  I did not understand what was so special about this age, this year, or this time.  On top of it all, my own opinion was that this year would be horrible, unsatisfying and pay back for everything I had done in the past.  I didn't just think that, I felt it.  Maybe it was a fear of knowing what was to come, or maybe I would afraid of growing up.  The feeling is best compared to that of the moment on the roller coaster, right before you fall at 60 miles per hour almost straight down.  (Shiekra)  It has now been 10 and a half months since my birthday.  I know exactly what all those people meant when they said "you'll have such a good time, you'll make so many memories."  I have had such a good time, and I have memories from this year I will hold on to forever.  The feeling I felt from the beginning, was a warning to get ready, for the set and the go.

I plan, through this blog, to reach down into my memories and bring them to the surface again.  I plan, through this blog, to share my thoughts and feelings of the moment, my concerns of tomorrow and my worries of the past.  I want to write my thoughts and opinions out so one day I can look back and read these words and say "Oh, that was the best year of my life."